Chapter X

How to interview your parents about their life (and record it)

A step-by-step guide to interviewing your mother or father about their life: how to prepare, what to ask, how to record it and what to do with the answers.

By Yosuke Sakurai · · 7 min read

Most of us mean to do it someday: sit down with a parent, press record, and ask about the things we never thought to ask growing up. Where they met. What their own parents were like. What they were afraid of at our age. Someday has a way of not arriving, and the people who did it almost always say the same thing afterwards: they wish they’d started sooner.

It matters to the next generation, too. Psychologists at Emory University asked children and teenagers 20 questions about their family’s history, starting with “Do you know how your parents met?” and “Do you know where your mother grew up?” Those who knew more of the answers had higher self-esteem, a stronger sense of control over their lives, lower anxiety and fewer behavior problems. It’s a link, not proof of cause and effect, and one of the researchers, Robyn Fivush, says the facts matter less than the habit of families telling their stories. But someone has to ask first.

The good news is that it doesn’t need a film crew or a grand plan. A phone, a quiet room and a handful of good questions will do. This guide covers the whole thing, from asking them to the first question to turning the recording into something the family can read.

The short version

  • Tell them why. “I want to remember your stories” lands better than “I’m interviewing you”.
  • Prepare a few questions, not fifty. Five or six is plenty for one sitting.
  • Record, with permission. Test the recording before you start.
  • Follow the thread. The best question is usually the one their last answer suggests.
  • Keep it short and come back. Several short sessions beat one long one.
  • Do something with it. Label, transcribe, and share the stories back.

Before the first conversation

Decide what it’s for

A recording for the family archive, a written life story for the grandchildren and an afternoon of stories for a birthday each take a different amount of effort. Decide roughly what you want at the end, because it changes how much you’ll need to ask and how carefully you’ll record.

Ask them, and explain why

Some parents love the idea straight away. Others say “oh, there’s nothing interesting about my life”, which is usually modesty, not a no. It helps to be specific: “I noticed I don’t know how you and Dad met, and I’d love to hear it properly.” A small first ask is easier to say yes to than “tell me your life story”.

Choose a time and a place

Somewhere quiet and familiar, with the TV off and phones on silent. Their kitchen table is better than a restaurant. Mornings often work better than evenings, when people are tired. Plan for thirty to forty-five minutes; you can always keep going if it’s flowing.

Pick a handful of questions

Go in with five or six questions on one theme: their childhood home, how they met your other parent, their first job. One theme per session keeps the conversation from skimming the surface of everything. If you need ideas, our 60 life story questions are grouped by stage of life, and our questions to ask your grandparents work just as well for a parent.

Get the recording right

Your phone’s voice recorder is enough. Before you start:

  • Test it. Record ten seconds, play it back, check you can hear both of you.
  • Put it close to them, on something soft rather than a hard table, which picks up knocks.
  • Turn off notifications so a call doesn’t cut the recording.
  • Ask permission on the recording: “Is it all right if I record this?” Their “yes” is then part of the file.

If they live far away, a video call works well. Most video apps can record a call; tell them you’re recording, and check where the file ends up before the real conversation.

During the conversation

Start easy

Open with something concrete and comfortable: “Where did you live when you were seven?” Places and objects warm up the memory. Feelings and big questions come more naturally twenty minutes in.

Ask one thing at a time

“What was your childhood like?” is too big to answer. “What could you see from your bedroom window?” can be answered in a minute, and the answer usually opens a door: the street, the neighbours, the summer the river flooded.

Follow up more than you move on

Your list is a starting point, not a script. When something interesting comes up, stay with it. These follow-ups work almost anywhere:

  • “What happened next?”
  • “What did it look like?”
  • “Who else was there?”
  • “How did you feel about that at the time?”
  • “Why do you think that stuck with you?”

Let silence work

After an answer, wait a few seconds before the next question. People often add the most interesting part after a pause: “...and of course, that’s when your grandmother left.” Resist the urge to fill the quiet.

Don’t correct them

If their version of a story differs from the one you remember, let it stand. You’re collecting their memory, not the official record. You can note the difference later, and it’s often interesting in itself.

Use photos and objects

Bring an old photo album, a wedding picture, a map of the town they grew up in. Ask about what happened just before the photo was taken, or what’s not in the frame. Objects unlock stories that direct questions miss.

When it gets difficult

Life stories include loss, regret and things that were never talked about. A few principles help:

  • Let them lead. If they want to talk about something painful, listen. If they change the subject, let them.
  • Offer a way out. “We can skip that one” makes it easier to go on.
  • Agree what’s private. They may want something kept off the recording, or out of anything the family reads. Respect that, and say so.
  • Don’t push for a resolution. Some stories don’t have one.

These are the same promises professional oral historians make. The Oral History Association’s guidance for people being interviewed says they are “free to not answer questions, to take a break from recording, or to end the interview”, and that they can keep an interview from the public afterwards. Say the same to your parent before you start.

If memory is fading, keep sessions shorter, lean on photos and music, and spend more time on the distant past, which often stays clearer than recent years. Don’t quiz them on facts. A story told in their own words is worth more than a date that’s exactly right.

This is close to what care homes call reminiscence therapy: talking about the past with photos, music and objects as prompts. A 2018 Cochrane review of 22 trials found its benefits small and inconsistent, but one-to-one sessions were linked with better mood and cognition. So the conversations may do your parent some good, as well as the family record.

If a parent is seriously ill, or you’d like to ask about their wishes as well as their story, our questions to ask your parents before they die start with the few that matter most when time is short.

After the conversation

Label and back it up

Name the file with the date and the topic (“2026-11-02 Dad - growing up in Ohio”) and keep a copy somewhere other than your phone. A recording that only exists on one device is one lost phone away from gone.

Write down the details while they’re fresh

Names, places, dates and spellings. Note what they didn’t know, too: “Doesn’t know why the family left Naples. Ask Aunt Rosa.” Those gaps are your next questions.

Transcribe it

Most phones and recording apps can transcribe speech now, and the result is a good first draft. Tidy it, but keep their way of speaking. The people who read it later will hear your parent’s voice in the phrasing.

Turn answers into stories

A transcript is raw material. To make it readable, pull each memory into a short story with a clear beginning: “In the summer of 1968, Dad got a job at the cannery.” Keep their words wherever you can. Our guide on how to write a life story covers how to find the shape once you have a few dozen.

Share it back

Give your parent the written version. They’ll correct names, remember things they forgot, and often say “oh, and there’s another story about that”. Many families find the second round of stories better than the first.

Doing it over time

One long interview gets you a sketch. A life story is usually built from many short ones. A question a week, by phone or over Sunday lunch, adds up to a remarkable amount within a year, and it turns into something you both look forward to rather than a project.

Where Eve fits

If your parent would rather tell their story at their own pace, Ever Journal can do the asking. Eve, its AI biographer, drafts a first chapter from a few basics, then asks one question at a time about the biggest gap in the story. Your parent can answer by typing, or by talking on Eve+, and Eve weaves each answer into the book, writing only from what she’s told and marking what she doesn’t know instead of guessing.

You might do both: the recorded conversations for their voice, and Ever Journal for the written book that grows a little every week.

Sources

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