40 questions to ask your parents before they die

Nobody likes typing that phrase into a search box. Usually something prompts it: a diagnosis, a fall, a parent who suddenly looks older at a birthday, or the death of a friend’s mother or father. Underneath it is a simple worry. There are things only your parents know, and one day you won’t be able to ask.

The questions people regret not asking come in two kinds. Some are about the story: who your parents were before you knew them, where the family came from, what you were like when you were small. Others are about wishes: what they’d want if they became seriously ill, and what should happen afterwards. Both get harder to ask the longer you wait. This list has both. It starts with the few that matter most if time is short, and ends with how to ask without it feeling like a goodbye.

The short version

• Don’t make it a farewell. “I realized I don’t know how you two met” opens a door. “Before you die” closes one.
• Start with stories, then wishes. An hour of laughing about the old car makes the harder questions easier.
• Ask what only they know. Your early years, the family’s names, why things happened the way they did.
• Ask about their wishes once, plainly, and write the answers down where the family can find them.
• Record it, with their permission. Their voice is what people miss most.
• If time is short, start with the first six. You don’t need to get through a list.

If there isn’t much time, start here

When a parent is very ill, a long list is the last thing you need. These six questions cover what people most often wish they’d said or heard. Any one of them can be the whole conversation.

1. What do you want me to know that I might not?
2. What are you proudest of?
3. Is there anyone you’d like to see, call or make peace with?
4. What would make the time ahead better for you, and how can we help?
5. Is there anything you’re worried about, for yourself or for us?
6. What do you hope we’ll remember about you?

You can also just say what you came to say. “Thank you”, “I’m sorry” and “I love you” aren’t questions, but they’re often what both of you are hoping to get to. If you don’t know how to begin, ask the care team. Hospice and palliative care staff, social workers and chaplains help families with these conversations every day, and many will sit with you while you have them.

Their story

These questions fill in the person your parent was before you came along. Most parents enjoy them, which makes them the right place to start.

7. Where did you grow up, and what was your home like?
8. What were your own parents like? What did you learn from each of them?
9. What were you like as a child, and what did you get in trouble for?
10. Who was your closest friend when you were young, and what became of them?
11. What did you want to be when you grew up?
12. How did you meet Mom or Dad, and what did you notice first?
13. What work are you proud of, and what did you just put up with?
14. What was the hardest stretch of your life, and what got you through it?

Not every family has two parents, a marriage or a happy ending. Change the questions to fit yours. “Who were the great loves of your life?” works for almost anyone.

What only they know

Some memories disappear with the person who holds them. These are the answers you can’t look up later.

15. What do you remember about the day I was born?
16. How did you choose my name?
17. What was I like when I was very small, before I can remember?
18. What were your grandparents’ names, and where did the family live before that?
19. Who are the people in the old photos?
20. Does any illness run in the family that I should know about?
21. Which family recipes, songs or sayings should be kept? Will you show me?
22. Is there a family story you’ve never told me?

Question 20 is easy to skip and worth asking. Doctors ask about family history of heart disease, cancer and diabetes, and your parents may be the only people who can answer for your side of the family.

Question 19 is something you can do together on a quiet afternoon. Write names, places and rough dates on the back of each photo, or on a note in the album. A box of unlabeled photos of strangers is one of the saddest things a family inherits.

Love, regret and what matters to them

These ask more of both of you. Save them for when the conversation is going well, and let your parent decide how far to go.

23. When in your life were you happiest?
24. What’s the best decision you ever made?
25. Is there anything you’d do differently?
26. Is there someone you lost touch with that you still think about?
27. What surprised you most about being a parent?
28. What do you wish someone had told you when you were my age?
29. Is there something you’ve always wanted to tell me?
30. How do you feel about getting older? Does anything frighten you?
31. What do you believe about life, faith or what comes after?

If an answer brings tears, it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. Stay with it, and let them decide whether to go on.

Their wishes

These are the questions people put off and later wish they hadn’t. Nobody enjoys them, but many parents are relieved once they’ve been asked, and a family that knows the answers is spared a lot of guessing at the worst possible time. Ask them once, plainly, and write the answers down.

32. If you became seriously ill, what would matter most to you? Is there any treatment you wouldn’t want?
33. Who would you want to make decisions for you if you couldn’t? Have you put that in writing?
34. If you had the choice, where would you want to be at the end: at home, in a hospice or in the hospital?
35. Do you have a will, and where is it kept?
36. Where are the important papers, accounts and passwords?
37. Who should we call: a lawyer, an accountant, a friend who’d want to know?
38. What would you like your funeral or memorial to be like? Burial or cremation, music, a reading?
39. Are there things you’d like particular people to have?
40. Is there anything you’d want us to do, or not do, once you’re gone?

Wills, powers of attorney and advance directives (such as a living will) are legal documents, and the rules differ from country to country and state to state. If the answers show that some of them don’t exist yet, a lawyer or your parent’s doctor can explain what’s needed where they live. Your part is only to find out what your parent wants.

How to ask without it feeling like goodbye

Give it a reason that isn’t death

A birthday, a family tree, a grandchild’s school project, an old photo you found in a drawer. “I realized I don’t know how you two met” is an easier start than “we need to talk”.

Start with the stories

Begin with their childhood, their first job, the car that never started. By the time you get to their wishes, you’re two people in the middle of a good conversation, not a child delivering bad news.

Talk side by side

Some of the best conversations happen in the car, at the kitchen counter or on a walk, when you’re not facing each other across a table. It feels less like an interview.

Be honest about why, when you get to the wishes

“I don’t want to have to guess” is true and kind. Most parents would rather their children didn’t have to guess either.

Let them say “not yet”

If they change the subject, let them. Come back another day, or try a different way in (there are some below).

Ask each parent on their own

Parents tell different stories alone than they do together, and each may have wishes the other hasn’t heard.

Share with your brothers and sisters

Agree who will ask what, and share the answers, so your parent isn’t asked the same hard question three times.

When it’s harder

If they won’t talk about it

Some parents won’t, and that’s their right. One gentle way in is to ask about someone else: “What was it like when your mother died? Is there anything you wish had been done differently?” People often answer for themselves while talking about someone they lost. A letter can work too. Some parents find it easier to write than to say.

If they’re ill

Keep visits short, and pick the time of day when they’re most alert, which is often the morning. Follow their lead on what to talk about. The care team can help you make room for these conversations.

If their memory is fading

The distant past usually stays clearer than last week, so lean on childhood, photos and music. Don’t correct them or quiz them on dates. If there are wishes to talk about, it’s kinder to ask sooner, while they can still decide for themselves.

If your relationship is complicated

You don’t owe anyone a perfect conversation. Ask what you want to know. For some people that’s only the family history and the medical history, and that’s enough.

Keeping what they tell you

• Record it, with permission. A phone’s voice recorder is enough. Years later, the recordings are often what families treasure most.
• Write the wishes down separately, and share them with the people who’ll need them. Keep a copy with your parent’s important papers.
• Label photos as you talk, with names, places and rough dates.
• Write down names and spellings while they’re fresh.

Our guide to interviewing your parents about their life covers recording, transcribing and turning the answers into stories the family can read. For more questions about a whole life, see our 60 life story questions, and if your grandparents are still here, our questions to ask your grandparents.

If they’d like to tell their story themselves

Some parents would rather tell their story at their own pace than be interviewed. Ever Journal was made for that. Eve, its AI biographer, drafts a first chapter from a few basics, then asks one question at a time about the biggest gap in the story. Your parent can answer by typing, or by talking on Eve+, and Eve writes only from what she’s told, marking what she doesn’t know instead of guessing. The book stays private to their account, and they can download all of it whenever they like.

Eve is for the story. The wishes belong on paper, with the people who’ll need them.