40 questions to ask a veteran about their life and service

Most veterans have been thanked for their service many times. Far fewer have been asked about it. Not “What was it like?”, which is too big to answer, but the small things: the first day, the food, the friend everyone called by a nickname, the letter that arrived at exactly the right moment.

These forty questions run from the year before they joined to the years after they came home. Every one has a follow-up, because the story is usually in the second answer. A few are marked Go gently. They touch fear and loss, so ask them only if the conversation is already there.

Where to start

If you only have one afternoon, ask 2, 6, 12, 20 and 31: why they joined, their first day, an ordinary day, their closest friend and the trip home. Leave the hard questions for another day, or for never.

Before they served

1. 1.
   Where were you living, and what were you doing, the year before you joined?Then ask: Who would have missed you most when you left?
2. 2.
   Why did you join? Or, if you were drafted, how did the letter arrive?Then ask: What did your family say when you told them?
3. 3.
   Which branch did you join, and why that one?Then ask: Did anyone in the family serve before you?
4. 4.
   What did you think military life would be like, before you’d seen any of it?Then ask: What turned out to be completely different?
5. 5.
   What did you pack when you left home?Then ask: Did anything from home make it all the way through with you?

Joining up and training

1. 6.
   What do you remember about your first day?Then ask: Who was the first person you got to know?
2. 7.
   Who was in charge of your training, and what were they like?Then ask: Is there something they said that you still remember?
3. 8.
   What was the hardest part of basic training for you?Then ask: How did you get through it?
4. 9.
   What job were you trained for, and how was it chosen?Then ask: Was it the job you wanted?
5. 10.
   What did you get in trouble for?Then ask: Who covered for you, or who did you cover for?

Where they served

1. 11.
   Where were you stationed, and what did you notice first when you got there?Then ask: What did it sound and smell like?
2. 12.
   What did an ordinary day look like, from waking up to lights out?Then ask: What was the best part of an ordinary day?
3. 13.
   What did you eat, and what food from home did you miss?Then ask: What was the first thing you ate when you got back?
4. 14.
   What did you do with time off?Then ask: Where did you go, and who went with you?
5. 15.
   How did you keep in touch with home?Then ask: Do any of those letters, tapes or emails still exist?
6. 16.
   What was the weather like, and how did you put up with it?Then ask: What did you learn to do differently because of it?
7. 17.
   Which piece of equipment, vehicle or ship do you remember best?Then ask: Did it have a name, and who gave it one?
8. 18.
   What did you think of the place and the people who lived there?Then ask: Did you get to know anyone from there?
9. 19.
   Did you take photographs?Then ask: Which one would you show me first, and what was happening just outside the frame?

Ordinary days are where most of the stories are. A veteran who won’t talk about a battle will often talk for an hour about the cook, the heat or the card game that never ended.

The people

1. 20.
   Who was your closest friend in the service?Then ask: Are you still in touch? If not, what would you say to them now?
2. 21.
   Who was the best leader you served under, and what made them good?Then ask: Did you ever lead others yourself? What did you copy from them?
3. 22.
   Who was the funniest person in your unit?Then ask: What’s a story about them you still tell?
4. 23.
   Did you have a nickname, and how did you get it?Then ask: Does anyone still call you that?
5. 24.
   How did you spend holidays and birthdays away from home?Then ask: Which one do you remember best?
6. 25.
   Was there a song that seemed to play everywhere that year?Then ask: Where are you when you hear it now?

The hard parts

Only go here if the conversation already has, and let them set the pace. A short answer, a change of subject or a long silence means stop. You can come back another day, or not at all.

1. 26.
   What was the hardest day you had in the service?Then ask: Only if they want to go on: who was with you that day?Go gently
2. 27.
   Was there a time you were truly afraid?Then ask: What did you do with the fear?Go gently
3. 28.
   Is there someone you served with who didn’t come home?Then ask: What would you want people to know about them?Go gently
4. 29.
   What got you through the worst of it?Then ask: Was there something small, a letter, a joke, a ritual, that helped?
5. 30.
   Is there anything from that time you still think about?Then ask: Would you like it written down, or kept between us?Go gently

Coming home

1. 31.
   How did you find out you were going home?Then ask: Who was the first person you saw when you got back?
2. 32.
   What felt strange about being home again?Then ask: What did you have to get used to, or unlearn?
3. 33.
   What did people at home understand about your service, and what didn’t they?Then ask: What do you wish someone had asked you then?
4. 34.
   What did you do after you left the service?Then ask: What from the service did you use in that work?
5. 35.
   Have you kept in touch with people from your unit?Then ask: What happens when you get together now?
6. 36.
   Is there a medal, patch or keepsake with a story behind it?Then ask: Where do you keep it, and who should have it one day?

Looking back

1. 37.
   How did serving change you?Then ask: What would the person who left home make of the one who came back?
2. 38.
   What are you proudest of from your time in the service?Then ask: Who else should hear that story?
3. 39.
   What do you wish people understood about veterans?Then ask: What’s something people say to you that misses the mark?
4. 40.
   What would you tell a young person thinking about joining today?Then ask: Would you do it again?

How to ask a veteran

Let them choose the depth

Ask before you start whether they’d mind talking about their service, and say plainly that they can skip anything. Many veterans have spent years deciding what to share and with whom. A question they decline is an answer too. Move on without comment.

Leave some questions alone

Don’t ask whether they killed anyone, how many, or whether they have PTSD. Don’t ask them to rank wars or defend the politics of one. If they bring up combat, listen. You don’t need to ask for details.

Start with the everyday

Food, weather, the barracks, the bunkmate who snored. Ordinary questions are easy to answer, and they often lead, on their own, to the things that mattered.

Do a little homework

Find out their branch, unit and dates of service first, from them or from family papers. Knowing that someone served on a carrier, or with a medical unit overseas, lets you ask better questions and spell the names right.

Bring something to hold

Photographs, a uniform, a medal, letters home, an old map. Ask what was happening just before the picture was taken, or where the medal has been kept all these years.

Mind the dates

Anniversaries, Memorial Day and Veterans Day can bring old memories close. For some veterans that makes them good days to talk. For others they’re days to be left alone. Ask which.

Keeping the answers

• Record it, with permission. Their voice, and their pauses, are part of the story.
• Write down names, units, places and dates while they’re fresh, with spellings.
• Share it back. Veterans often remember more when they read what they told you.
• Think about the Library of Congress. If they served in the US military, the Veterans History Project collects recorded interviews of 30 minutes or more, made by family and friends as well as volunteers, and keeps them for the future. Its Field Kit explains the forms.

Our guide to interviewing a parent about their life covers recording, transcribing and turning the answers into stories the family can read, and it works just as well for a veteran.

If they’d rather write it themselves

Some veterans find it easier to tell their story at their own pace than in an interview. Ever Journal was made for that. Eve, its AI biographer, asks one question at a time, writes only from what she’s told, and marks what she doesn’t know instead of guessing. The story stays private to their account, and they can download all of it whenever they like.